Kakamegathon…..say what?

I’ve started following a new blogger (non-cancer BTW).  She’s the daughter of someone I work with and I’ve been checking in lately to see how she’s doing because she’s just getting started on two things:  Blogging, and raising money by running a marathon.  And the thing I enjoy most about reading her blogs is that I don’t think she’s really figured out how to do either yet, so if you can stop by and encourage her, that would be great…..in either the blogging or the running….lol!  Here’s a bit about her cause and what she’s doing:

“I’m running a marathon to raise awareness and support for two great causes: http://www.just1person.org/ and www.fsdinternational.org/donate/projects/Pape.”

 

 

Occupational Hazard

Here’s the deal.  If I were to read in the newspaper the word “pastor” showing her “reconstructed breast” in the same sentence I would be checking it out too….lol!   I don’t know why I find this so hysterically funny but I do.  I’m actually super glad this article came out in Chicago because if my congregation caught wind here in Michigan that I was showing my chest around on the internet I’m sure I’d be dooced. 

The whole blogging and writing about my breasts thing is sometimes a bit weird for me as “clergy” girl.  As I was talking to my plastic surgeon last time, we were discussing the implant option because I am a bit small for my size, and I told him it might just be an occupational hazard for me.  I mean, if I worked at hooters…..not so much.  But I’m a pastor and I preach and I don’t think my congregation wants Pamela Anderson in the pulpit.  Ok….so he’s not going to make me THAT big, but still….implants?   So when and if I decide to do this I will NOT be asking my church to pray for that surgery because can you imagine….everyone checking out my breasts that next Sunday.  Seriously.  It will be one of those very secretive events and because it would only be a little bit bigger I think I’d get away with it without too much distraction.  Don’t believe me?   It is so  natural for people to glance at my chest that I am becoming very used to it.  If I say I’ve had a mastectomy (glance) I then tell them I’ve had reconstruction.  And when I had my mastectomies and told someone I had just had mastectomies (glance) and was wearing my prosthetics, I always had to explain they were the fake ones.  And even now with my new reconstruction (glance) whenever I tell someone….they want to look!  We with breast cancer are very much used to the glances.    And just so you feel better, go ahead and glance, by the time I finished breast cancer treatment I was so comfortable with talking about breasts that I would flipantly throw around the word like it was as comfortable to talk about as my kids or my car.  I have to remind myself that some people just aren’t that comfortable with it. 

So I’m sorry to say, that if you came to my blog site looking to see my bare chest, well, you’re not going to find it.   Not that I really haven’t shared almost everything else in this blog, but I have not posted my breasts.  Nor is this saying that I never will.  I mean….for the sake of the greater good I might think about it.  But probably not.  There are all lines we won’t cross and nudity is that line for me.  I’m thinking my parents are pretty happy about this line I’ve drawn for myself.  I’m sure it makes them proud.  In fact, I told my parents about the article and of course they wanted to read it, so I had to email it to them and I had to write extra in the email something like this….”but Dad….I promise I did not bare my chest to the entire world on my blog.”  Because, although they are not blog readers, and this includes mine, they surely do not want to find out their daughter is going topless on the internet….lol!

And just to clarify, because I think it was a little misunderstanding, that I did in fact post a blog about my post-surgical wound after my reconstruction with pictures and it is so gross I think about taking it down everyday.  But the emails I get from people going through this tells me I should keep it up for the next gal going through this crud.

So if you are facing a DIEP flap reconstruction, I am happy to send pictures of my reconstructed breasts directly to YOU, and not the entire blogosphere.  So email me privately and I would be ever so happy to email you faceless photos….because it’s always good to know what to expect.  And I for one am totally thankful for women who sent me pictures of their body after mastectomies and for all the faceless women in the plastic surgeon’s office that helped me visually prepare for what I was going to look like.

Tribune Article

My blog was featured in the Chicago Tribune today!  You can read the article here.

I’m Ready

I’ve had a hard time emotionally lately.   Writing anything spiritual here means I open myself up and I’m afraid it isn’t pretty.  I’m really not quite sure if it’s moving on from cancer or going through reconstruction that has set me off, but I’m struggling.  I asked my oncologist if this was normal, and she said it was “very” normal.  This made me feel better. 

I’m not even really sure how to describe what I’ve been feeling lately.   I think it might have something to do with loss.  Like leaving a job or moving.  I’m wrapping up a part of my life that kept me busy for almost a year and a half.  I lived and breathed cancer.  I grew close to people who treated me for cancer.  Now I’m free to move on.  It’s a little scary.  Everything I fought for, is now right in front of me.  I am free to make plans for the future.  I’ve conquered cancer, but now, can I achieve what I fought for….living fully.  I’m standing at the doorstep and I’m trying to decide if I should take the step I suppose.  But I’m scared. 

Life has really revolved around me for a while now.  My cancer treatment.  My health.  I needed to take care of myself, but now it’s time to move on.  One thing that has become a stark reality in the past few days is how much self-focus I have right now.   This is especially clear since reconstruction.  If you had asked me before my reconstruction, I’m sure I would have told you I would have been happy with semi-even breasts of any size and a flat tummy.  But now their here and I’m being critical.  On one hand, I’m so happy.  And then there’s a part of me that is spending an ungodly amount of time analyzing the finished product.  I’m spending too much time on the internet trying to figure out how I can have more symmetrical breasts, real looking breasts.  I suppose digger doesn’t help. because I’m forced to check-out the girls several times a day and I’m reminded they don’t look as pretty.  Not like the originals anyway. 

I’m so thankful for plastic surgery but for me I need to be careful because it’s gotten me too focused on self.  

Here’s what I read recently in Romans 9:5-6:

“For those that live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh. But those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on things of the spirit.  For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.”

So I’m going to try to turn my heart back towards the things God wants me to think about.  Loving Him, living in His Word, loving His people.  I’m going to keep blogging this journey, but at some point I may need to stop to officially be done with breast cancer.  But as long as I’m under reconstruction, I’ll keep telling you about it and how God is molding me, shaping me, and breaking me and all that I am learning through this.  Maybe it will somehow help you. 

One thing that will help me move in the right direction is that I got a job.  It’s in my field, so it’s a ministry position.  I’ll be a part-time pastor here at a local church.  When it’s officially announced I can be more clear about it, until then, I’ll just say I’m excited to be back on the job.  I love ministry and I love facilitating community and seeing lives change when people choose to walk with Christ.   And then, hopefully this fall I will start taking classes towards pursuing a nursing degree.  Many of you know I have a secret hobby of coaching couples in natural birth and I also love that.  I am hopeful that down the road I can combine my ministry and midwifery in missions oversees.  But I’m taking steps, and hoping God makes it clear exactly how he wants to use me because I’m ready.

Make a suggestion….

My mothers with cancer blog site is gathering together for a book.  This is very exciting as I guess there is already an editor ready to put it together.  All of us are supposed to submit 5 blog posts from something we have already written.  I know some of you have been hanging out with me and checking in on me for a while and I was wondering if you could share a post you remember and liked that I wrote.  Maybe something that was moving that stands out to you.  If you can’t remember it fully you could describe it or do a search of my site.  I appreciate the help!  You can email me or leave a comment below.

New Look

Well, I keep changing my look.  I guess wordpress is having trouble with widgets and sidebars on some themes, so the new theme I chose had nothing in the sidebar.  So I’m going with a new theme that shows my links.  If you scroll to the bottom you’ll find all the links and fun stuff.  I’m not too fond of this one so we’ll see how long I keep it.

Hello World!

This is my first blog.  I won’t be daring enough to send this out until I’ve got this sort of figured out.  If you’re wondering about me…..I’m a 36 year old mom of 3 beautiful kiddos.  Charis is almost 7, Meleah is 3 and Elijah just turned 1 in January.  I’m married to a pretty cool guy named Jeremy.  We met while both working at Ichthus Christian Music Festival and were married a year later.  I knew from the day I met Jeremy that he was a great guy…..and I was right.  He has been such a strong advocate for me in ministry and now in my breast cancer fight.  That leads me to the BC.  I was diagnosed with a rare and rather serious type of breast cancer called inflammatory breast cancer on February 3rd.  I did the usual thing….thought I had a plugged duct or mastitis for several months until I got serious about it and insisted on an appointment at my Ob office.  I NEVER ever thought it was BC.  I’m so thankful I was persistent about the appointment because we caught it early.  It’s in both breasts, but did not spread and thankfully is not in my bones, lungs or brain.  It is an extremely fast spreading cancer….quite often by the time it is found it is often too late.  Seriously.  I hope to eventually advocate so that more receptionists understand how serious IBC can be.

On another note…..I’m a birth junkie.  It has been my passion since my first daughter was born.  So you might hear me gab a bit about that here.  But mostly I think I’ll just share my spiritual reflections through this dark journey and how I’m growing and healing, emotionally and physically.  It will be good accountability for me and how God is changing me and moving me and deepening my faith in Him.

Thanks to all who read and travel this road with me.  I just feel God walking ahead of us clearing the path.