OK Ladies! Come celebrate with me. Womanhood, breasts and being cancer free. If you’re around the Kalamazoo area and free on Saturday night, July 26th, I would LOVE for you to join me at Dawn Maynards house. She lives in Lawton at 29782 Shaw Road. We’re going to have bonfire and I’m asking everyone to bring snacks and drinks. I’ll supply tableware and s’mores. Nursing babies welcome. We’ll have a great time! I would love to see you! I’m telling everyone 7ish to 10ish so if you can’t make it for the whole thing just drop in to say hi.

The girls went to camp a day ahead of us. When we arrived the girls introduced me to their new friends. Charis said “this is our mommy….she has cancer.” Meleah quickly followed with “the doctors are going to cut her na-na off with scissors.”
I was pretty relieved the little girl didn’t know our code word for breasts (it is actually a code word for breastfeeding since I didn’t want the girls running around yelling “nurse!”), but it sounded horrible none the less. I’m hoping she was thinking hair.
We will miss my right breast. I often shower with the girls and there is always some discussion about my na-na’s. They like to reminisce about the good-ole breastfeeding days. Even Elijah points when I get dressed and says “na-na’s”
Since the beginning of this craziness I have often marveled at the thought that these wonderful milk producing parts could on one hand give life and on the other hand begin to suck life out….no pun intended….lol! I loved breastfeeding and most of you know with the girls I breastfed till 2. I would have with Elijah but life took a different turn. I am so grateful I had a full year with him, but still miss it…especially because he is my last and I was in no hurry to wean.
I am often asked why I don’t just get rid of both of them. That was the original plan. I guess it’s for the reasons above. They are mine and I’ve spent 6 years of my life gazing at my lovely children as they nestled at the breast. Keeping one of them means keeping some of those memories.
Maybe there is still a part of me that can’t fully grasp that I have had cancer. Maybe because I can’t believe I had it I can’t believe it might come back. I’m still trying to grapple with this because I think there is still a part of me in denial. Even after all this time I still can’t believe it. Maybe I never will.
Will I regret it. Maybe. Right now I’m pretty happy to keep one. I think either way you question it. “Could I have kept one” is probably something I would always wonder if I chose a bi-lateral mastectomy. My surgeon says you can always take it off but you can’t get it back. They of course can make you new ones….but they won’t ever look quite like the original. So I’ll ease into it and if I decide later to take the other one I will. I have 6 months to a year before reconstruction so I have a while to decide.
For me, the lymph nodes are what need to go. This is because that is where IBC starts. Having the lower two segments gone will mean less chance of recurrence.
So we are getting ready to say good-bye to an old pal. It’s a little hard since it looks so nice and normal. Hard to believe it was so sick at one time.
Now Jeremy will miss it for a whole different reason but this is G rated and I won’t go there….lol. I’m sure women 50 years ago would have been horrified the way I sling around the word breast…..but maybe that’s because I look at breasts as their primary mammary purpose

I’m blessed and I know it.  God is a gracious God and I am proof. 

I’m going to be honest with you as to WHY I am blessed, and it’s not because I have recently been told my cancer is gone.  It actually has nothing to do with having or not having cancer.  You see, God blessed me long before I had cancer and I would have been blessed if I had died of cancer.  Someone wrote me and told me early on that I would either have healing on earth, or in heaven…..but either way healing would come.  

How could I say I am blessed because God spared my life when others are dying around me.  Are they not blessed?  Yes, they are blessed!  I so want to live, but if I didn’t, I know without a doubt that I have an inheritance waiting for me in heaven and that is far more of a blessing than living.

Here’s a good definition of being blessed from Wikipedia: 

“To be blessed” means ‘to be favoured by God’. Blessings therefore are directly associated with God and comes from God. Therefore to express a blessing, is like bestowing a wish on someone that she will experience the favour of God. “May you have a blessed Christmas“, therefore can also be translated as: “May you experience the favor of God during this Christmas period.”

So how am I blessed?  Each and every day as I battled cancer God sent someone to bless me.  I’m going to try to remember them all but I may forget….

Jeremy, my husband and best-friend, who has loved me every step of the way who tells me he loves his boob-less, bald beauty, and reminded me those are not the reasons he loves me so much,

My mom who played with my children while I slept, and my dad who filled in for her when needed and told me not to worry about anything but getting better,

My sister and brother-in-law who took care of the deductible on our insurance and paid for house cleaning for me every week, and the ladies from the Natural Families Group who chipped in and got me housecleaning as well.

My mother-in-law Kim who came and did laundry, and laundry, and more laundry.  And her husband Doug who came and spent two long days building a fence around our backyard so I wouldn’t have to run after Elijah as much,

For Kathy Devries who organized meals for my family and the wonderful people at Portage Free Methodist Church who brought them to us after every chemo, and the teachers at Charis’ school who brought meals as well.

For my dear college friends who have sent gift cards for restaurants, words of encouragement and constant prayers,

For Mike and Amy Dark who took care of our lawn mowing this summer, 

For emails from around the world reminding me that prayers were going up,

For the cards I got virtually every day.  I have them all saved in a big basket and I will cherish them forever,

For the doctors who always spoke words of hope to me and who were brutally honest at times, but told me what I needed to hear.  Dr. V-Webb, Dr. Kalinowski, Dr. Jacobs, Dr. Liepman, Dr. Lynch, Dr. Merajver, Dr. Grossheim….ladies, you inspire me everyday.

For the nurses in the infusion room.  I don’t know how you do what you do everyday, but I am grateful.  Thank-you for making me as comfortable as possible and for Traci at Dr. Kalinowski’s (Hi Traci!)….You were so kind and made me feel so comfortable with such an awful diagnosis in those early days,

And Dr. Alfaraz and Sadie and Bonnie at his office.  You gave me the extra natural stuff that tasted awful but I am convinced gave me an extra edge against this cancer,

And of course my kiddos who would give me hugs to help the chemo and kept me moving on days I would have rather buried myself under the covers and shut out life. 

I know I am loved and I know I am blessed.  Thank-you.

One of the first things I did when a doctor said “Maybe” with “Inflammatory Breast Cancer” was to get on-line and start reading.  When I didn’t know for sure, Jeremy would get mad at me….”get off the computer,” he would say.  But I read enough to be pretty scared.  IBC is not a good cancer to have and it is too late, too often, too quickly.  Here is the scary part.  If you look up IBC and blogging you will read over and over again about young moms who were either pregnant or breastfeeding and thought they had a plugged duct or mastitis (breast infection) and ignored it or thought it would go away.  Most women diagnosed with IBC will either be pregnant, breastfeeding or in menopause.  And women who get breast cancer before the age of 40 are most often diagnosed with a more aggressive kind.  When I say too late I mean 6 months can be too late.  I read over and over again MY story on other blogs….”I was nursing my baby and thought I had a plugged duct…..breast was swollen….breast was hot…”  The words haunt me! 

When I started to notice my symptoms I looked on LLL, Dr. Sears and Kellymom.  I would type in “mastitis” or “plugged duct.”  Not once did it alert me that I could have cancer.  I don’t remember ever seeing….if a plugged duct or an infection lasts longer than two weeks….it might not be mastitis and other things can cause this.  Even if they had said there were other things that could cause this…..without alarming women….it would have been helpful to me.  I am thankful that I’m not a timid woman and after a few months I decided it was time for help.  I never once thought “cancer.”  I finally told my ob/gyn receptionists if they couldn’t see me that day then I would go to ER.  They saw me that day.  And when my doctor looked at it I am thankful she recognized it as IBC immediately.  She saved my life and I am forever grateful.

If you hear anything I say….do not put off getting help if you have something that isn’t right.  We moms get through days with a lot of aches and pains.  We take care of everyone in the family first.  Well ladies….if something is swollen, if something is red, if something has a lump, if something hurts, if the skin feels wierd, has a rash, has pits in it, feels hardened, has a bruise, looks like a bug bite….whatever…..do not let it go for more than a few weeks without seeking help.  And if a doctor doesn’t listen to you go somewhere else.  I have learned that your health belongs to you and you shouldn’t worry about hurting someone’s feeling when it comes to second opinions. 

Here is a great site I was introduced to by another blogger.  It’s called worldwide breast cancer and you can learn some symptoms to look for.  Even though we’ve come a long way in fighting breast cancer, one thing we did that wasn’t good is tell women to check for only lumps….like it was the only symptom.  It’s not, although it is probably the most common.  So check out them lemons….lol!

I recently read the Lance Armstrong book again…..I read it five years ago….but now read it with a defferent perspective.  He was lucky.  He put off getting a painful testicle checked until it was the size of an orange.  By then he was coughing up blood.  He let it go for something like 6-8 months and by the time he sought help his cancer had mets in the lungs and brain.  His chest x-ray looked like a snowstorm. 

I plan to write some letters in the near future to LLL and some breastfeeding help sites on the internet.  It doesn’t have to be too late.  The earlier you catch aggressive cancer the better.  It’s scarry, but facing it is better than hiding or ignoring a problem.  Your prognosis will be a lot better too.

Dedicated to “punk rock mommy” who was too late.  Your life and blog inspired us all.  And to Dr. Vanderbrink-Webb who recognized my symptoms right away and was my advocate.

I’ve been traveling about cyberspace a lot since my diagnosis.  Toddler planet introduced me to the world of blogging and sharing my journey….and well….I’m getting addicted.  I can’t tell you why it’s so therapeutic to write but for some reason it just is.  There have been times over the past five months that I haven’t had the energy to return phone calls or go out with friends, but I can sit down and write and I know you’re listening.  And that’s enough.  I know you care.  Even when you don’t post I can see the numbers rising and I know my friends are checking in and praying.  That’s a really good feeling.  So I keep writing.  Three kids keep me from doing it every day, but I will write and keep telling you my story.  Right now my prayer is that I will make it another year without having to tell you there is a recurrence or mets (metastasized cancer) anywhere.  As of now I am clear and the biopsies done at surgery will certainly tell us more.  Like if there are any positive lymph nodes left.  I am praying that it reveals nothing but dead tumor and clear lymph nodes.

My friend Martha went to meet Jesus yesterday morning.  She had battled breast cancer for 10 years.  I sat with her on Friday evening and she was as happy for me (my good MRI results) as one can be in the last moments of life.  What an inspiration she has been to those around her.

Jeremy and I met with my surgeon, Dr. Kalinowski yesterday. It seemed like another affirmation that my healing might be a bit of a miracle. She rounded up my first MRI and my latest one and we needed some clarification so she called Dr. Jacobs the radiologist. At first we thought it might be a typo….but no. It was right. In my left breast I had a softball size tumor. Now it says there is a benighn cyst in my left breast and it gives a small measurement. Well….that cyst was there before and now its smaller. It’s very normal and nothing to be concerned about. Lots of women have benign cysts. But the tumor….the actual tumore that was there in February is gone. Totally gone.
So when I mentioned a lumpectomy on the left side from what Dr. Liepman had said as a possibility….I looked for any signs of hesitancy or doubt. But there wasn’t any. She thinks we can save my left breast! Yay! I am actually really happy about this and feel very comfortable with it. They will take a big chunk of fatty tissue from that side and all my lower lymph nodes. They will make sure there is no cancer cells there….and I suppose if there are we may need to rethink the lumpectomy, but as of now that is the plan. The right breast will be taken completely because it was so diseased at one point there is no way we can keep it. But even that side nowit looks clear and feels normal. IBC starts in the lymph nodes and since my lymph nodes will be removed I won’t worry about it returning as much.
My surgery is scheduled for July 30th. I’m hoping to plan a little bye-bye boob or Ta-ta to my Ta-ta’s party before then. Just a reason to get together with friends, celebrate womanhood and give me courage. I’ll keep you posted for those that live around kzoo
We leave on Saturday for Family Camp. I’m so looking forward to this vacation.

I can’t think of a more appropriate time to find out you’re free of cancer than Independance Day.  Watching the fireworks on Friday was extra special.  I held Elijah in my arms and thought….we’re going to have a lot more of these together.  When I got the news from my oncologist I went right over to my family doctor’s office to tell them the news.  It was Dr. Al’s day for office work but I figured he’d emerge from the back to hear my news.  I told the receptionist (Sadie) I had some good news for him.  He came out and was so happy…..he said I made his weekend.  I figure doctors don’t always want to just hear about sickness….and he’s helped me so much with a natural approach so I wanted to make sure he was one of the first to hear.   Then I went to the church so they could put it on the prayer chain. 

Overall I just feel a huge sense of relief.  I have often thought of our servicemen and women who are sent off to war.  Certainly the unknown of the situation is scarry.  Battling cancer is probably much of the same feeling.  We all know the saying from FDR….”the only thing to fear is fear itself.”  The biggest struggle is the constant fear.  Will I grow old with Jeremy.  Will Elijah remember me.  Those fears….even though my breast looked so much better continued to haunt me.  I’m still scared.  Now I have to face a surgery that I can honestly say I am not very excited about.  You’d think I’d want to get rid of these breasts.  But no.  Quite frankly I don’t.  They’ve been with me for 36 years and I’m quite sad to see them go.  I feel like a toddler who refuses to flush their precious poopy down the toilet.  I know they aren’t necessary, but I still want them:) 

So I celebrate my freedom from cancer….but I continue to struggle with fear.  The passage I refer to in my head these days is in Mark 5 when the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years reaches through the crowd to touch Jesus in hopes that she would be healed.  An outcast in that society for being unclean, surely she wanted healing.  And then Jairus comes, a Jewish official, certainly a last ditch effort to save his daughter.  It appears to be too late.  But here’s what Jesus says.  “Do not fear, only believe.”  And so this short and powerful phrase rings through my ears.  I can feel the pain of the woman who is reaching out to touch Jesus and the ruler who certainly had it all together, a rich powerful official, begging for Jesus, his only hope.  Maybe only half believing that this man was really who he said he was.  But Jesus reashures them….no fear….don’t fear….I am near. 

So this fourth of July I am sensing God’s nearness.  Relief from fear.  Relief from a good portion of the unknown.  I am feeling His touch, his healing presence.  I am free.

We sang a song this morning in church.  The words are so appropriate to how I’m feeling today:

Newsboys - I Am Free
From the album Go - Limited Edition CD

Never has a word meant so much!
Psalm 103:2-3 (The Message)
1-2 O my soul, bless God. From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless God,
don’t forget a single blessing!
3-5 He forgives your sins—every one.
He heals your diseases—every one.
He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.
God makes everything come out right;
he puts victims back on their feet.

My doctor came in and I said I hear the report is good. She looked at me and said….”it is VERY good! It is amazing!” I can’t rewrite the repost but almost everything has resolved. I have very small residual tumors in each breast but virtually everything else is resolved.
ductal ectasia….resolved
diffuse infiltrating enhancement….resolved
regional enhancement left breast…..resolved
bilateral axillary….resolved
“Near complete resolution of bilateral areas of normal enhancement in both breasts with small enhancing nodule remaining in the upper/outer quadrant of the right breast.”
I certainly don’t understand most of what it says in this report but my doctor said she called the radiologist to be sure she really was sure…..but virtually everything is gone! My lymph nodes look normal…..there’s virtually nothing left and the small tumors left look like what they say is “residual!”

I’m to overwhelmed to say a lot tonight but I’m feeling pretty good to say the least I meet with the surgeon next week to discuss what kind of surgery. My oncologist said she doesn’t see how I can save the right breast. The skin is still thick and evidence of it having been diseased is pretty apparent. I will most likely err on the side of caution and do bilaterals….but I guess we could consider a lumpectomy on the left. I doubt we will go that route. Mastectomies are a way to ensure this doesn’t come back.

After days of harassing the cancer center for my results one of my nurses called. She said….”I’m probably not supposed to do this, but the results were so good.” Anyway….I will get full details tomorrow when I meet with Dr. Liepman but two cysts in my right breast have shrunk substantially and in my left breast it’s GONE! And….it’s GONE in my lymph nodes too! I will get more thorough details tomorrow and pass them on. But this is VERY good…..Praise God!

After walking for 2 miles around the track, and the bags were completely set up, we finally found my bag I am so touched that people who have lost loved ones or been affected by cancer would care enough to walk (raise money) for me and my cure (as well as 1 in 3 Americans who will be diagnosed with cancer). They could move on with their lives and try not to think about cancer again. I’m learning that once you’ve been effected by cancer you never want it to happen to someone else. I’m so glad I got to share this night with Charis.