I exposed myself yesterday. OK….not really…but sort of….lol! We took the family swimming and I had a dilemma. I began to think about it ahead of time. Would I, or would I not go without anything on my bald head. I’ve not gone public with my white shiner….and I wasn’t sure I was ready to be that brave. I already get many sympathetic stares with my scarves.
I decided to ask Charis and Meleah. How would they feel about mommy going swimming in the buff (naked head I mean). We had a nice discussion over lunch. Meleah thought going buff would be just fine. Charis got the giggles and thought people might laugh. She voted I wear a swim cap.
When we got to the YMCA the girls and I changed into our suits. There I was, bald head for everyone in the locker room to see. So far so good….no major stares…..but then again most people try NOT to stare in locker rooms! I looked at Charis and I said “seriously Charis….do you think its OK for mommy to go swimming like this.” I don’t know if she was just so anxious to get swimming or what….but she said…”mom, I think its OK.”
So with everyone in agreement I made a major step. I went bald. And you know, no one really stared. I actually don’t mind if they do. Some people try not to look. They purposely won’t look your way or divert their eyes. I know if I saw a bald woman with a one year old in her arms, I would take a second glance. It’s not that we mean to stare, it’s just we feel for people who have struggles in their lives. I actually find it comforting that people care enought to look a bit longer. Some even come up and say something….. like “hang in there.” One person even gave me a little hug. Now that I know what I know….I will probably say a quick prayer for them.
Matthew 6:25-33 is all about not worrying. Summing it up it says don’t worry about your clothes (or hair), your body, what you will eat or drink. If God provides for the animals, even the little birds, won’t he provide for you.”
So I learn to be strong and couragious. I am learning not to care so much about my looks. I’ve always been a bit self-consious maybe vain even, a little bit too focused on me. We ladies have a way of doing that don’t we. I’ve never been one to wear lots of make-up….a little mascara for my very few eye lashes. People would always ask me “are you sick” when I didn’t wear mascara…lol! However…..they are becoming so few now….that I’m not sure I’ll even be able to wear mascara much longer. (This too will pass since I only have 7 more weeks of chemo!)
So here I am learning to dig deeper. Wanting to be inward focused rather than outward focused. Stressing less about the little things, knowing God cares for me and even has plans for my bald head…..even if it is just learning to be bold.