I had it in my mind that God was going to save me from these mastectomies. As I drove to Ann Arbor with my MIL last Monday the story of Abraham and Isaac kept going through my head. Surely God was doing something similar with me. I had this really wonderful dream in my head that I would be like Isaac. God was taking me up the mountain. He was challenging me. Taking me to the limit. Seeing how faithful I was. But at the last minute he would pull the plug. He’d say no, not your breasts.
We wonder about a God that could ask a man to sacrifice his own son. Tie him up and slaughter his own son with a knife. The larger picture shows us that it was common in other religious practices to sacrifice children for spiritual reasons. What we learn through Abraham’s situation though is that God is setting himself apart from these other religions of the time. The Israelites will not practice child sacrifices period.
And so I had it in my mind that God was going to do this with me. He was going to set me apart. He was doing something different. He was going to take me to the limit and turn around and say “no Jen, you can keep your breasts.” I had it all planned out. It would be a perfect blog…..”saved from last minute mastectomies!”
It’s never good to try and guess God’s plan for our lives.
Because the truth is, I don’t need my breasts to fulfill God’s plan in my life. God knew I needed them for breastfeeding and that was really about it. And an even greater truth is that God has spared my life for now and I have so much to live for.
I’m trying to figure out why he’s spared my life. Maybe some survivor’s guilt setting in. I’m certainly relieved I’m cancer free and relieved he’s got other plans. But I can’t help but ask “what for?” “What now God?” I’m awake and alert and ready for You to reveal to me Your plans for my life. Why am I cancer free. Maybe it’s simply to say that God calls us to obedience. Maybe it’s to say that no matter how hard the narrow path is, we are called to follow it.
Two things in my life are not easy. First is cancer, second is being a woman in ministry. With both I am reminded that the sacrifice is never easy, but the reward is astounding. So I will continue to trust His plan, even when I envision the path heading a totally different direction.