Once again I can’t sleep.  Maybe it’s because I slept till noon yesterday?  Maybe it’s because I can only sleep on my back because of the scar across my chest and I’m a side sleeper.  I’m not sure why, but I thought writing a bit might help.  Like maybe I need to write something to end this day and then I can sleep.  Ignore the time above.  It’s 2:45 am.  I still can’t figure out how to reset that clock.  There’s alot about blogging I’m still trying to figure out.  Like writing for Mother’s With Cancer.  I know there’s some button somewhere that would allow me to crosspost on both sites but I just can’t seem to find it.  Technology takes me a while.  One of these days I’ll figure it out.

I can feel myself getting better each day, but I’m still in a lot of pain.  When I’m around people I fear they will bump in to me or grab my arm or worse yet try to hug me.  It’s actually quite sad that at a time like this I can’t be close to people.  The best they can do is hold my hand.  Yesterday I figured out that if I wore my big fluffy robe while holding Elijah I could put him to sleep without too much pain.  So now I wear my robe and we cuddle.   He has to be an angel.  I’m sure of it.  Sometimes I’ll wake up at night and he’ll be rubbing my arm with his little pudgy hand.  I swear he knows how much this hurts me not to be the mama I want to be with him and he just takes it in stride. 

I was reading over at Mitch’s Journey and his mom had posted this passage I thought I’d share with you and remind you to keep praying for Mitch.  

2 Corinthians 1:9-11 says this: “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

These nights when I lie awake I am taking in the amazing way God has worked in my life in the past 6 months.   At the conference we were encouraged to pray for God to “break” us so that our hearts might be tender.  Everytime I hear this I wince in pain.  This prayer is way to hard for me right now.  For one I have been broken, and very recently.  I am still raw with brokeness.  But I am ready.  I’m not quite sure what to do with what I have seen and where I have been, but I know God plans to use what I have been through.  And I’m sure he plans to use my broken and tender heart.   I am feeling things and hearing things I have never felt or heard before and it is scarry to me and beautiful all at the same time.  I have a hard time “rejoicing” in my healing because all I feel is relief, genuine, big breath relief.  And a burden for something more. 

He has given me a hope and a deliverence that are indescribable.  I am still wading through and making sense of it all.  But I have hope, beautiful hope and a God who is carrying my raw, broken and beaten up body and sending me reminders of His great love for me everyday.


3 thoughts on “Raw

  1. Sarah S. says:

    I’m a side sleeper too. I can just now sleep on my siide. To cross post just copy your post and then go over and paste it on your new post over there.

  2. Hi Jen-
    Thanks for sharing the raw-ness of your journey. I understand so much of what you have expressed. It was always strange to me how I could feel so close to God and so far away from Him at the same time. So beat up, broken and fragile…but everyone’s saying you’re tough and brave. It’s a journey people can only travel with you so far–there’s a limit. But somehow you make it–with time, support and God’s healing. I’m praying God will continue to carry you through this journey as you lean into his everlasting arms.
    Blessings to you-

  3. Oh yeah- the scripture you quoted from Mitch’s blog is 2 Corinthians 1.9-11. I saw it on his blog also and couldn’t find it when I looked it up. 🙂

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