So my conversation with God has never been “why me?” But I have wondered throughout this Journey what God is doing. I have seriously wondered if He REALLY knows what He’s doing. Surely He can’t want this for a 36 year old woman with three young kids (I don’t think He wants it for a 2 year old or a 89 year old either). I read this today and was reminded of the prophet Habakuk. Kuk (for fun since the other is way too long to type…lol) different from the other prophets in that, his is not an account of God’s message to the people. Instead it’s an account of Kuk’s discussion between God and himself. He questions if God knows what He is doing after hearing what God plans to do. He says “why do you force me to look at evil? Stare trouble in the face day after day?” He asks God all the big scary questions like “you won’t let us die will you?”
He’s the only prophet who blatantly questions what God is doing. He feels like God isn’t being consistent. Kuk is confused, angry, lost, dazed. But he’s not without faith, and not without hope.
Sound familiar. I’m clean from cancer for the time being, and I pray forever. I have questioned God a time or two. I’ve been angry and scared. I have sat dazed and perplexed at His feet praying and pleading that He would spare me from death. But I have not been without hope.
Kuk questions the fairness of God. Goodness and justice seemed absent.
But after all is said and done. Here is what dazed and confused Kuk says in chapter 3:
17-19 Though the cherry trees don’t blossom
and the strawberries don’t ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I’m singing joyful praise to God.
I’m turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God’s Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I’m king of the mountain!
If I’m truly honest I had two mantra’s going on in my head through the scariest part. The one I’d like to think I said the most was “thank-you cancer for what you have taught me, now please go.” But the truth is I said something like this a lot more “God, You won’t let me die will You.” The truth is I wasn’t very confident He would let me live. He would be glorified just as much if I had died. So I feel relieved that I am alive to sing praises, but I wonder what he has planned next. As I grow more comfortable I will share what I think I hear God telling me I need to do. But I want to make sure I’m hearing him right….lol! He’s still nudging me.
If you are dazed and perplexed right now, cling to Him. Sing praises even when your heart aches. His Rule will prevail. He will give you strength.