A Funk

I’ve been in a funk today.  Like in that “spotless mind” movie with Jim Carey when he just knows something is missing.  I think I’m beginning to realize something is missing.  And well….a lot of things are missing. 

This morning my MIL left after being with us for three weeks.  I didn’t have to load/empty the dishwasher once while she was here.  Laundry….what laundry?  She also painted my bathroom and did a lot of other grandmotherly things.  She let me sleep in and rest every day.  All those things plus she’s just a good friend and I like having her around. 

Then I realized I had lost Dr. Alfaraz’ phone number.  I looked everywhere.  It was my security blanket.  I’m not ready to accept that I will need to get to know a new doctor.  I’m not going to call him because I know he needs rest and to move on.  I just need to have his number.

Then Elijah got sick.  He was irritable with a gooey nose all morning.  The kind that runs and doesn’t stop.  So now….my MIL is gone, my doctor is gone and my son is sick.  The dam broke.  I wept off and on through the morning.  My mom called and freaked because she thought the worst.  No….just me in a funk again.  I’m having issues moving on again.

I found the phone number.  I programmed it into my phone.  I won’t call.  But at least if I think something really bad MIGHT happen I’ll have the number just in case.  Like what if I have a recurrence? 

That and I’m missing my breasts.  I really do miss them.  I keep trying to act like I don’t, but I do.  I’m tired of being in pain.  I keep hoping for normalcy.  I know people think I look really normal, but what they don’t know is that I have to hold my arms an inch or so away from my sides so as not to rub the scars under my armpits.  And any fast movements hurt.  It hurts when I have to run after Elijah or when I read to the girls and they squirm.  It hurts when I try to reach the crackers on the top shelf.  And Charis cries when I tell her mommy isn’t capable of having friends over today.

Yup, I’m in a funk.  Tomorrow will be better.

5 thoughts on “A Funk

  1. Kristen M. says:

    I’m sorry about your funk and send prayers your way that the physical therapy will help. You’re right, tomorrow will be a better day.


  2. Hope says:

    Dear Jen, I’ve been without internet since beginning of July and I had no idea how you were getting along. Today I read all the back posts and learned of the miracles God has done. I’m speechless with wonder and praise. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I’ll keep praying about your pain. My sister-in-law had numbness/itching for about two years after her masectomy. I’ll also be praying that the Lord will use you via your blog to minister to others. His ways are perfect.

  3. sprucehillfarm says:

    Hang in there. Think about how it can only get better after today 🙂


  4. Amy says:

    Oh no! I was kind of in a funk today, but you make mine look really silly (it includes trying to force the truth out of two boys who both denied that they were lying, encouraging better penmanship, and getting Alex to listen to me when I recommend ways to relieve his heel pain)! LOL! Elliot has become a veeeery good storyteller, I’ve discovered.

    The thing about these kinds of days is that they do pass. In the moment, life seems really ridiculously hard, and then…

    I’m SURE you saw on the news that Christina Applegate had bilateral mastectomies… I think it may have been almost the same day you did. She’s 36.

    I hope tomorrow that something good happens, whether it’s a great cup of coffee with the sun coming up over the trees, or a hug from a cute kid. 🙂 We’re looking forward to the visit in a few weeks. It should be nice weather, still warm but hopefully not too intensely hot. I wish I could be there to help out. Things are so crazy with the start of school… you know we all started on the 13th. Oh well, it’s too hot to play outside anyway!

  5. Dawn Snow says:

    Hi Jen –
    I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I think you are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your path.
    Dawn Snow

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