I’ve been in a funk today. Like in that “spotless mind” movie with Jim Carey when he just knows something is missing. I think I’m beginning to realize something is missing. And well….a lot of things are missing.
This morning my MIL left after being with us for three weeks. I didn’t have to load/empty the dishwasher once while she was here. Laundry….what laundry? She also painted my bathroom and did a lot of other grandmotherly things. She let me sleep in and rest every day. All those things plus she’s just a good friend and I like having her around.
Then I realized I had lost Dr. Alfaraz’ phone number. I looked everywhere. It was my security blanket. I’m not ready to accept that I will need to get to know a new doctor. I’m not going to call him because I know he needs rest and to move on. I just need to have his number.
Then Elijah got sick. He was irritable with a gooey nose all morning. The kind that runs and doesn’t stop. So now….my MIL is gone, my doctor is gone and my son is sick. The dam broke. I wept off and on through the morning. My mom called and freaked because she thought the worst. No….just me in a funk again. I’m having issues moving on again.
I found the phone number. I programmed it into my phone. I won’t call. But at least if I think something really bad MIGHT happen I’ll have the number just in case. Like what if I have a recurrence?
That and I’m missing my breasts. I really do miss them. I keep trying to act like I don’t, but I do. I’m tired of being in pain. I keep hoping for normalcy. I know people think I look really normal, but what they don’t know is that I have to hold my arms an inch or so away from my sides so as not to rub the scars under my armpits. And any fast movements hurt. It hurts when I have to run after Elijah or when I read to the girls and they squirm. It hurts when I try to reach the crackers on the top shelf. And Charis cries when I tell her mommy isn’t capable of having friends over today.
Yup, I’m in a funk. Tomorrow will be better.