I’m not sure if it’s inspiration I’ve been lacking or I’ve been sleeping better at night. It’s 4:30 am and I forgot to take my melatonin so I’ve been tossing and turning and thought it might be good if I get up and share my thoughts.
As of late I’ve been reading in 1 Kings. Sometimes it takes me mulling over a passage in my mind for several days before something hits me. So it’s not surprising that my first reading of 1 Kings 1 wouldn’t register any surprising insight. But in the past few days I’ve been thinking about poor Adonijah.
Adonijah was King David’s third son to his wife Haggith. He is basically the rightful heir to the throne so he jumps the gun a bit and declares himself king before his father’s blessing or his father’s death. It also implies in scripture that Adonijah is a little bit cocky and his dad didn’t reprimand him enough growing up. But with 8 wives, concubines and who knows how many children how can you possibly expect to be emotionally available to that many children?
24-27“My master the king,” Nathan began, “did you say, ‘Adonijah shall be king after me and sit on my throne’? Because that’s what’s happening. He’s thrown a huge coronation feast—cattle, grain-fed heifers, sheep—inviting all the king’s sons, the army officers, and Abiathar the priest. They’re having a grand time, eating and drinking and shouting, ‘Long live King Adonijah!’ But I wasn’t invited, nor was the priest Zadok, nor Benaiah son of Jehoiada, nor your servant Solomon. Is this something that my master the king has done behind our backs, not telling your servants who you intended to be king after you?”
I’m not sure what Adonijah was feeling when he clung to the hope that he would be king, but maybe he thought that if he didn’t cling to what he could, as quickly as he could, the opportunity might slip away. Maybe he knew his father favored Solomon or had promised Bathsheba that her son would be heir to the throne.
I think I know what it feels like to sense life slipping out of your control. Grasping for whatever shred of dignity you can. My spiral first started when I quit working to stay home with my kids. I went from feeling important and feeling like I made a difference to changing diapers, wiping up spit and being a full time waitress to my kids. I thought life was passing me by.
Then I got cancer…..and the world picked up speed as I sloooowwwwwwed waaaay down. So I went from feeling important, to being full-time mom and then I could barely be mom. Most days I was barely well enough to change a diaper.
Have you ever seen the videos where someone is standing still and the world is whizzing by in fast forward. This is how I’ve felt for the past 9 months.
Like I would try to reach out and grab life and it would just slip through my fingers. I couldn’t get ahold of anything.
Maybe I’m not so unlike Adonijah. I tried to stake claims to things that weren’t really mine to poses. I was more interested in getting ahead than enjoying the journey. And each step down I took I wanted to go back. When I got sick I wanted so badly to be mom…..a normal mom. I can’t say that I want to go back to being sick, but I wish I would have allowed myself to be in that place for the time God allowed it without feeling the need to control everything.
I’m enjoying changing diapers these days, breathing in baby smells and making plans for my future. I don’t worry so much that the world is speeding by without me. I like the pace I’m going. I’m enjoying the view a bit more and I’ve quit grabbing for things that aren’t mine to hold on to.