I’ve been going through my “never published blogs.”  Here’s one I wrote two months after diagnosis on April 7th.  It’s so hard when you’re going through treatment.  I hope if you are going through treatment you find hope in my words.


Last night we watched a movie called “We are Marshall.”  You’ve probably heard the story….the movie brought the nightmare back to the headlines after 30 some years.  A chartered plane with 37 football players along with many local fans were killed when their plane was struck by lightning as it returned from a game. 

I was drawn to the character Red Dawson.  He was the assistant coach that opted to drive home and make some recruiting stops along the way rather than take the plane that fateful night.  After he had the huge task of responding to moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and children in their grief, he reluctantly decides to continue coaching for one year.  He gave Marshall one more year of coaching.  One long year of rebuilding the team after such tragedy.  One year of reminder of such horrible loss. 

I’m  amazed and in awe of this man for having the courage and the perseverance to carry on.  I did a search later and read his story… it is if you want it.

How do you carry on with any normalcy when you’re faced with uncertainty.  Life is so fragile.  In my own life I’m faced with so much uncertainty.  I want to believe that through prayer and modern medicine I’ll one day be able to say I’m free and clear of cancer…..but I really don’t know.  I hear stories from so many people that know someone….a sister, a friend, a mother who has had breast cancer and is now cancer free…..but then I go to my favorite blogs and read about someone else who has passed away from inflammatory breast cancer.  It keeps me keenly aware of my mortality and how much I am not ready to die yet.  I so want to be there for my kids and find joy in living.  But right now I have to put on a brave front because inside I’m so afraid.  At night I climb into bed and cuddle with Jeremy and cry.  During the difficult days, not even the sun seems to pull me out of the despair I feel.

But I perservere.  I will not give up.

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