I’ve been a bit stressed lately.  I don’t really know why.  Maybe it’s the surgery coming up?  I’d like to think I’m just totally ready for a tummy tuck and a boob job, but when you know you’ll be in surgery for 10-12 hours, it makes the whole thing less glamorous.  And then the “whatif’s” are there. 

Whatif my transplant doesn’t take and I need a second surgery.  Or worse than that a third or fourth.  Yikes.

Whatif I’m in a whole lot of pain after the surgery. 

Whatif the surgery sets me back months on the progress I’ve made with arm mobility?  I’ve worked so hard to feel this good with physical therapy and yoga….it’s scary to think I might not have that mobility for a while.

Whatif I uncover the bandages and TOTALLY freak.  I suppose it can’t look worse than a double, no skin sparing mastectomy, but hey….it might look pretty bad.  (they call breasts without nipples barbie boobs, but I don’t think mine will look like barbies….let’s be realistic here….lol)

Whatif I can’t stand up strait EVER because my belly is so tight…..OK…..I know….I’m not worried about this……can a belly ever be too tight….hehe!

Whatif…..get ready for the real fears…..the doc goes in and discovers more cancer?

Whatif…..something happens and I’m the 1 in 10,000 chance that something could go terribly wrong, like a blood clot?

I try not to dwell on it too much.  I do think to myself once in a while, “why am I doing this?”  I hope I’m doing it for the right reasons.  I hope I feel a sense of closure and restoration.  I hope I’m not doing this just to look good in a bathing suit this summer (although it will be nice not to be concave in a swim suit and feel like people do a double take at my chest!).

I hope this stress brings me one step closer to normalcy.


One thought on “Whatif

  1. Kristen M. says:

    I know that my tissue expander surgery is different from what you will be going through next month, but I can tell you that I feel a lot better about my body- having some form. I like the way my breasts look so far and it does help me with my confidence.

    My range of motion in my left arm suffered with this procedure and I’m going to physical therapy for stretching. I will go in to have them fill one more time and then my second surgery will be planned for May. I feel that with time and yoga/exercising, my range will return. This is definitely a process.

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