Confusion to Clarity

There’s no one to pull this together for me.  I want a debriefing.  I’m feeling rather lost right now.  I have a hole still in my chest.  It hasn’t gone away like I keep hoping for.  I keep sending nasty, graphic emails to my doctor in Chicago and he keeps reassuring me, but I just don’t feel reassured.  Well, maybe I do a little, and then 15 minutes later I look at the hole and am reminded of all the fears I have. 

Yesterday it started stinking like a garbage dump.  It progressively smelled worse until I finally emailed him…..again.   And he emailed me….again.   I just don’t know how he can say it’s fine.  It’s a hole the size of a quarter and it goes about an inch or more deep.  All of my friends willing to look have been completely astonished by the magnitude of my wound.  So today….in desperation….I went to a walk in clinic.  They, of course are not wound specialists and prescribed several antibiotics and referred me to the wound clinic.  My theory here is….when all else fails, prescribe antibiotics and make sure you’re covered.  This is not what I wanted to hear.  I wanted them to tell me it looked fine.  He said he thought he saw some infection.  Great. 

What I’d really like is for my family doctor to come back.  You remember he moved West in the middle of my cancer treatment.  So I’ve gone to his replacement a few times, but she’s not my doctor.  I didn’t choose her.  So there’s no one to go to for an opinion here.  So I just got home from the walk-in clinic and cried and cried and cried to Jeremy.  I feel lost.

A.  Trusted family doctor has moved

B.  Oncologist very busy, I’m old news

C.  Radiologist would probably see me because she’s a friend now, but isn’t her specialty.

D.  Have appointment with new recommended family doctor on June 16th but he is behind lock and key, and huge waiting list until then.

E.  Could beg local surgeon to see me, but I get the feeling surgeons are territorial and she might think I’m dumping leftovers on her. 

F.  Dr. Dumanian is way over in Chicago and is super busy too.

So you see.  Where do you go when you are done with cancer and you have a hole in your chest. 

This is also a huge deal emotionally for me because it reminds me of not knowing what to do or who to go to when my breast was inflamed with what I thought was a plugged duct.  I waited around for two months trying to see a doctor and then….wham….it’s inflammatory breast cancer.  I keep having nightmares about the hole becoming infected and getting lymphodema, or spreading and losing my breast again.   And what if, worse comes to worse and it’s cancer again so it won’t heal.  I don’t even want to go there.  But if I’m being honest, I think it. 

So after all else fails….blog.  And then pray and remember there is some One far greater than you who is taking on your burden’s and life’s little snafu’s.  Here’s what 1 Peter 5:6-7 says:

“So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.”

I love the way this translation says “He’s MOST careful with you!”  What a great reminder that He is by FAR my most reliable physician.  He is the great Healer!  I suppose by blogging I have just worked my way out of despair.  I guess I know now who pulls it all together for me in the end.

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3 thoughts on “Confusion to Clarity

  1. Amy says:

    I’m sorry to hear about the hole, the smell, etc.! I do hope that it is gradually healing from the back up, even if it’s not apparent yet. I will try to find more info about slow healing wounds for you if I can. But I think you are doing all that you can to keep tabs on it, medically, so I don’t think it’s going to get out of control or anything. I don’t know what it’s like to have the hole or the pain, so I can’t really say much in that regard but I hope that the wound clinic helps speed healing and helps you understand how long that might take, give you a timeline, etc. Keep us updated. We love you!

  2. Kathy U says:

    Whoa! A hole? An open wound? Girl, you need to demand to be seen by your doctor or the doctor of your choice.

    I had a small hole in the incision line after abdominal surgery. My doc said that she would check it when I came in for my regular appointment that was 6 days from then. After 3 days my hole wasn’t any larger but it became deeper, red, sore and it started to drain. I went to the ER where they told me I had an infection and I was admitted for what became a 5 day stay. I was isolated and everyone who came in had to gear a gown and mask.

    A funny side – my daughter was 8 at the time and she asked if the gowns and masks were to protect me from them or them from me.

  3. Dawn Snow says:

    Hi Jen –
    I just wanted you to know I was checking in with your healing. I hope you fill the hole soon – and get relief – that is scary. Loved looking at the pictures, you have a beautiful family.
    Dawn Snow

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