I’ve had a hard time emotionally lately. Writing anything spiritual here means I open myself up and I’m afraid it isn’t pretty. I’m really not quite sure if it’s moving on from cancer or going through reconstruction that has set me off, but I’m struggling. I asked my oncologist if this was normal, and she said it was “very” normal. This made me feel better.
I’m not even really sure how to describe what I’ve been feeling lately. I think it might have something to do with loss. Like leaving a job or moving. I’m wrapping up a part of my life that kept me busy for almost a year and a half. I lived and breathed cancer. I grew close to people who treated me for cancer. Now I’m free to move on. It’s a little scary. Everything I fought for, is now right in front of me. I am free to make plans for the future. I’ve conquered cancer, but now, can I achieve what I fought for….living fully. I’m standing at the doorstep and I’m trying to decide if I should take the step I suppose. But I’m scared.
Life has really revolved around me for a while now. My cancer treatment. My health. I needed to take care of myself, but now it’s time to move on. One thing that has become a stark reality in the past few days is how much self-focus I have right now. This is especially clear since reconstruction. If you had asked me before my reconstruction, I’m sure I would have told you I would have been happy with semi-even breasts of any size and a flat tummy. But now their here and I’m being critical. On one hand, I’m so happy. And then there’s a part of me that is spending an ungodly amount of time analyzing the finished product. I’m spending too much time on the internet trying to figure out how I can have more symmetrical breasts, real looking breasts. I suppose digger doesn’t help. because I’m forced to check-out the girls several times a day and I’m reminded they don’t look as pretty. Not like the originals anyway.
I’m so thankful for plastic surgery but for me I need to be careful because it’s gotten me too focused on self.
Here’s what I read recently in Romans 9:5-6:
“For those that live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh. But those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on things of the spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.”
So I’m going to try to turn my heart back towards the things God wants me to think about. Loving Him, living in His Word, loving His people. I’m going to keep blogging this journey, but at some point I may need to stop to officially be done with breast cancer. But as long as I’m under reconstruction, I’ll keep telling you about it and how God is molding me, shaping me, and breaking me and all that I am learning through this. Maybe it will somehow help you.
One thing that will help me move in the right direction is that I got a job. It’s in my field, so it’s a ministry position. I’ll be a part-time pastor here at a local church. When it’s officially announced I can be more clear about it, until then, I’ll just say I’m excited to be back on the job. I love ministry and I love facilitating community and seeing lives change when people choose to walk with Christ. And then, hopefully this fall I will start taking classes towards pursuing a nursing degree. Many of you know I have a secret hobby of coaching couples in natural birth and I also love that. I am hopeful that down the road I can combine my ministry and midwifery in missions oversees. But I’m taking steps, and hoping God makes it clear exactly how he wants to use me because I’m ready.