What if….then.

It’s hard for me not to worry about this whole wierd ultrasound thing.   recurrence is always something in the back of any cancer patients mind.  I remember thinking that when I finished radiation I could move on with my life.  But then I went through reconstruction.  And then I had a 24 hour scare when I thought my platelets were seriously low, and it ended up being a false alarm.  And here I am again today, waiting.  Waiting to hear the results and wondering which path my life will take tomorrow.  Because seriously, if cancer is back, I have to head down a whole different path again.  And it’s that path that has me worried.  Because it’s really not the path I want to take.  I am realizing that as a cancer survivor there really is never a complete “moving on” point.  You will always have hang-ups.  You will always haves scares.  You will always wonder about any discomfort, and when it lingers more than a couple days you will probably start to get nervous.  So here I am this weekend and I’ve been deciding whether I want to panic or stay calm.  One moment I feel pretty good.   I feel absolutely certain they are seeing scar tissue and nothing more.  And then the next minute I’m sure the cancer is back and I dread what that will mean for me and my family. 

So this weekend I’ve been thinking about the “what-if’s” again.  What if my cancer does come back.  Here is what I’ve come up with:

What if cancer comes back?  Then…

1.  I will cry, and kick and scream and be angry.

2.  And then I will go into some form of shock for a while.  This happened first time around.

3.  Then I will go in to some form of depression probably.  Because this is what happened before as well.  I felt defeated.  Chances are, I will again.

4.  Then people will support me and encourage me and remind me that I am loved and I am worth fighting for.

5.  Then I will probably cry a little more.

6.  Then I will look into the eyes of my sweet children and remember they are worth fighting for.

7.  Then I will get off my a__ and start reading about recurrence and where to get the best treatment, and what to eat and if there are any natural things I can do to help.  I will once again immerse myself in cancer.

8.  Then I will get in gear and go see the right doctors again.  I will seek second and third opinions.

9.  Then I will once again cry, because I do cry a lot. 

10.  Then I will plan treatment with my doctors.

11.  Then I will start treatment and face losing my hair or burning my skin in order to get better.

12.  And I will cry again because loosing hair for a second time when it was crappy the first time will be very hard.

13.  Then I will rely on my friends and family to help me once again…..and they will….and this will bring me great comfort.

14.  Then, along the way I will be reminded of some of the promises that God has given me.  Here is one I have been reading this weekend thanks to Matthew’s account of what Jesus said:

“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. 27What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. 28And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. 32 So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, 33but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.

That middle verse has just stood out to me over the last day.  Cancer cannot kill my spirit.  So what if the answer is “yes, it’s come back?”  Well, then I’ll deal with it.  But the bottom line is, that it CANNOT have my spirit.  Someone else has that and His promises far outweigh the promises of cancer.

3 thoughts on “What if….then.

  1. Beth Voigt says:

    Hello, my dear Jen. I just wanted you to know that I am lifting you up to our mighty God this very instant and will continue doing so. I love you, girl.

  2. Becky says:

    Jen, I’m praying as well and anxious to hear your news! I love your list, by the way, and I love how you can follow it through to the last point and find rest there.

  3. Lori Hernandez says:

    I know your struggle and worry. Cancer sucks! But know you are not alone in this. God will give you the grace you need, if and when you need it. Praying for you and praying for good results!

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