I hate to think about recurrence. But when a nasty cold and cough holds on for several months, I begin to worry. That, and several blogger friends who were diagnosed around the time I was diagnosed have recently found out their cancer has metastasized. It just hits me hard. I think about them a lot and I start asking “what if” again.
Yesterday I decided I needed to find a new doctor. You guys know I’m an advocate for being assertive when it comes to your health, and I really had just been letting my concerns with my current provider slide by. But I can’t let it slide. I need to be aware of my health. As scary as recurrence is, I can’t ignore my health issues because I think I can’t handle another diagnosis.
I had driven by an office near my house several times and I noticed only one name listed as a provider. My concern with my new provider is that they don’t really know me. I have one doctor, but if I’m sick I usually don’t see him, I see one of several doctors who can fit me in. So my concern is that someone is missing something. Because I’ve seen two different doctors since I’ve been sick and I don’t feel like either one of them are taking note of my medical history. Sometimes I wonder how long I would be passed around before they connected the dots, ya’know.
So I went to this new doctor and I plan to stay. I really enjoyed meeting with him, and talked to him about my concern that this cough and cold has been around for so long. He said we should go ahead and get a lung x-ray. It’s weird, because on one hand I want this, and on the other hand I don’t. I don’t want to know that cancer might be back. And to be honest, I’m 99.9% sure it’s not. This could just be a cold that converted to allergies, but still, it worries me. And thank goodness this doctor seems to get that.
I was honest with him, I might get annoying sometimes as I do freak a little about recurrence. He’ll probably see me every 3 or 4 months for a while with little nagging things that I worry might be cancer.
But you guys know, I’m doing all that I can to stay free and clear of cancer. And I can run 3 miles, which makes me believe it’s not in my lungs. And I eat things like black bean brownies, and lot’s of fruits and vegetables. If it’s back, I don’t have regrets that I didn’t do as much as I could possibly do. I’m fighting with both fists.
Next week we leave to North Carolina’s Outer Banks for a much-anticipated family vacation. I desperately don’t want to get bad news before this vacation. I want to be cancer “emotionally” free for this vacation. I want to live like cancer doesn’t exist for one crazy, fun-filled week!
It’s sort of like winning an Oscar and being on top of the world and then finding out your husband has been cheating on you. (Sorry, I just had to add this because I like Sandy) It’s like working hard, flying high, minding your own business, then “bam” shot right out of the sky. Cancer (like cheating husbands) are so rude!
So if you wouldn’t mind saying a little prayer for me. That my sickness would go away. That the x-ray would be clear.
And strength. Just in case I have to face this again.