I hate that I have to have “cancer” in the back of my mind now every time I have aches or pains. I hate that when my chest area hurts the first person I need to call is my “way to busy” oncologist…..like she needs me to whine about something else.
Yesterday I emailed her because my chest area has become increasingly painful. I think it’s the area that is considered my oblique muscles. They’ve been hurting since post-surgery so I’ve come to expect it. But last week it started hurting more. I, of course, want to wave it off to lifting weights and exercising…..but of course there’s always that “what if….”
By 5:00 pm today (everything bad happens at 5 pm on Fridays…..don’t doctors come to expect it….lol) I was having difficulty breathing. So this time I called my dear doctor. She told me I needed to go to ER and rambled off some big long medical terms. She told me she would call so they would expect me.
I’m still not panicky…..just sad I’m in so much pain. I called my mom who came to watch the kids and Jeremy and I went off for an evening in the ER…..hoping and praying that would be it and nothing more.
They were waiting for me when I got there (and so was my dear oncologist…she is truly amazing) and I immediately had all kinds of tests. And of course…..they tell you they are ruling out the worst case scenarios first. Which of course taps into my worst fear…..metastatic cancer of the lungs.
My mind is dancing around with…..”how will I do this?” “How will I react to the news,” “Will I be able to emotionally handle another go at cancer?” “What will my kids do.” All those crazy “what if’s”
So we turned off the “cancer thoughts” and turned on the TV.
I kept praying…..”God, please let it not be cancer again.”
Jeremy kept trying to reassure me.
Dang it….I was sure it was muscular when I arrived at this hospital……why do sterile white walls and doctors put me in a PANIC! Arghhh!
Thankfully, after what seemed like eternity, the doctor came back to say that the blood work was fine, the x-rays were fine and the Cat Scan of my lungs showed nothing major, but maybe residual pneumonia spots (sound familiar Kristin….lol)
It is most likely muscular. Gee…..after cutting through my muscles for a mastectomy, radiating the heck out of my chest wall, and now trying to exercise to ward off any big C return…..do you think my poor pectoral and oblique muscles are a bit sore.
Sigh….can you tell they put me on loopy pain meds again? I’m going to bed.
CLERGYGIRL 