My oncologist at U of M told me to get moving when I was completely done with treatment and I have not taken her wisdom lightly. I have been running. I have actually recently strarted training for a 5k. I think it’s been about 10 years since I ran a road race and my T-shirts from those races are falling apart so I figured it was about time to get off my duff and start collecting them again.
I wish I could tell you I’m training for a really meaningful race, like a “race for the cure,” but alas, the race I have chosen is called the Hot Chocolate Run somewhere in Chicago. Jeremy registered us. He’s been running too at work with some guys during lunch because I won’t let him run with me. Don’t ask me why I won’t. He doesn’t get it either. I think it’s something sacred with me. Like “I have to do this by myself” mentality. Either that or I’m afraid he’ll see how really slow I am, and I’m accepting that I am not the runner I was in my early 20’s. But the race looks like a hoot. Anything that comes the day after halloween and we’ve all gained 50 pounds from raiding the plastic pumpkin after the kids go to bed has to be fun. I….will…..be…..nice…and…..slow…..thanks…..to…..all…..the….snickers…..and twix….I…raided…..from…the….kids….
The kids always wonder why their candy is gone so fast. I try to tell them it isn’t good for them and I threw it away, when really half of it was gone that very night thanks to mom’s love of chocolate. I will admit that I am only 90% crunchy and this is the very reason why I never buy pop or candy because if it is in my house I WILL EAT IT! I am not like my other crunchy friends who say “I’ll give you $20 for that bag of candy” and then throw it away. I just eat it and make it look like my kids did it.
I digress, so my sister just moved to Naperville, IL and happened to invite me to come run it in the same week I finally went to Hal Higdon’s race training site with the hopes of getting around to eventually running a race. So I am doing it. And today I was out doing short distance intervals. I did 6×400’s. Up and down the street I went. And a weird thing happened. I had this funny sensation in my breast. I wear sports bras when I run because I actually can feel pain in these numb breasts. (can’t feel my husbands touch but I can feel them bouncing around when I run…..now is that fair?) And I don’t want my new foobs to get too saggy. So I had this pain in my right foob, which I have now and again and I’m assuming it’s from necrotic fat buried in there that I suppose will just absorb in to my system eventuually. But it was a mysterious little shoot of pain that so reminded me of the pressure you get in your breast when you have a let-down from breastfeeding that while I was sprinting along on my 400, I actually reached up to grab my breast just like I did when I was breastfeeding and wondering how full I was and if I needed to feed on that side. And for a very split second I actually thought….I need to feed someone (one of my babies of course, not just anyone ya’know….lol). And then I was quickly brought back to reality that I, in fact, do not have a single mammory gland in my body and the sensation is not from full breasts but from reconstructed fat tissue, and I had a little chuckle and was seriously glad no one was around to see me grab my breast. Because as a mom who breastfed for almost 6 years, I was caught one to many times grabing a breast thinking….”boy, do I need to get home to that baby or someone better get me a pump!”
And if this sounds like a sad little post, it’s not really. I had a laugh and it brought back some good memories of when my breasts were working right and my babies were little. And once again I’m thankful for the 6 wonderful years I had nourishing my babies through my breast and I’m so thankful I’m out pounding pavement and am healthy once again.
Jeremiah 33:6 from the Message says this: “But now take another look. I’m going to give this city a thorough renovation, working a true healing inside and out. I’m going to show them life whole, life brimming with blessings. I’ll restore everything that was lost to Judah and Jerusalem. I’ll build everything back as good as new. I’ll scrub them clean from the dirt they’ve done against me. I’ll forgive everything they’ve done wrong, forgive all their rebellions. And Jerusalem will be a center of joy and praise and glory for all the countries on earth. They’ll get reports on all the good I’m doing for her. They’ll be in awe of the blessings I am pouring on her.
Every day that I run, every time that I look at myself in the mirror naked, every time that I pick up one of my children and it doesn’t hurt, I am seeing and being reminded that God is bringing restoration to me. He is slowly bringing healing both physically and emotionally. I am being restored through my daily walk with Jesus. Just knowing Him and His constant companionship is my blessing. Through my ever present (and what seems like daily) failures and my ever needing reliance on Him, I am under rennovation, and I’m quite OK with that.