Tag Archives: reconstruction

Fixing Me, Take 2

They’re going to wheel me in to th OR soon. Dr. D will be in to meet with me. Good-bye digger! Hello to symmetry! I’ll update later today.

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Surgery Next Week

I’m headed back to the great castle in the city also known as Northwestern.  I’m scheduled for a little nip tuck surgery on Monday, although I’m still not sure what time my surgery is scheduled?  I’m a tad bit nervous.  I’m partially nervous because of the weather.  My kids are in a Christmas program on Sunday night, so Jeremy and I planned to leave early Monday morning for the surgery.  But lake effect snow might make it interesting.  We’re hunkered down tonight because it’s been snowing steadily for the afternoon and the local forecast is severe weather for the next 24 hours.  Unfortunately the path we take for our three-hour trip to Northwestern is probably one of the worst as far as Lake effect snow and it gets miserable over on the southern part of Michigan near Lake Michigan.

Dr. D is planning to fill in my digger indentation and work on my flaps a bit as well as even out the sides a bit.  I know you can’t even begin to figure that one out, but I won’t send out pictures so you’ll just have to use your imaginations….lol!  Hopefully it will help things look a little better.  I think there is a good possibility I might actually be smaller after this surgery.  I’m having a hard time imagining how I wouldn’t be smaller since he’s going to be pulling the flap skin in a bit.  We’ll see.  This is all in preparation for the small implants later this spring.

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Bargaining

I’ve scheduled my next breast upgrade.  I’m still unsure about it, but I meet with Dr. D next Wednesday, so hopefully it will bring some clarity to my situation.  I’ve had some restlessness lately about my breasts.  I decided last week that my breasts should look better than they do and I went to meet with another plastic surgeon here in Kalamazoo.  I just wanted a second opinion.  He had a few hopeful things to say but mostly it was the same.  I think the bottom line is that I had inflammatory breast cancer, massive amounts of radiation over a large area and there isn’t a lot of hope I can look better, at least with my clothes off.  Which really doesn’t matter to anybody but Jeremy, and to be honest, it doesn’t matter to him.  But it matters to me, so I continue to push back on the issue and hopefully one day those plastic surgeons will come up with a miraculous way to make my breasts look perfectly normal. 

So the second opinion……

There are two reasons I sought a second opinion.  None of which had anything to do with my dear plastic surgeon over in Chicago.  The first reason has to do with nothing more than total envy.  Last month our “Partners in Pink” support group started (BTW….it meets again tomorrow) and after the meeting we were doing show and tell in the bathroom.  Don’t worry, this is not required, but a few of us hadn’t seen each other in a while…..since reconstruction…..and we like to show-and-tell.  I’m telling you….once you’ve had breast cancer you are so used to going topless it is NOTHING NEW to show just about anyone who remotely wants to see.   So at show and tell, one of my dear friends looked absolutely fabulous.  I won’t give her name out of respect for her new beautiful bosoms, but they were perfect.  I’m telling you……they looked real, felt real, and were totally perfect minus the nipples.  I thought….wow….I need to find her doctor.  I was so envious of her breasts!  I wanted a pair of my own….lol!  But when I went to visit her doctor, he told me about the same thing.  And again…..I have to throw up my hands and say “why, why inflammatory!”  I get angry again…..why couldn’t I have had a normal breast cancer where I could have had skin sparing?  Ughhhh!

The second reason I sought a second opinion is because I do believe I am in the bargaining stage of grief right now.  I think you’ve heard me talk about the stages of grief before. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.  What you may not realize, that I have come to realize about this process, is that every time something happens on this cancer journey, I get to travel through this path over and over again.  When I was diagnosed, when I was disfigured through mastectomies, when I went through radiation, and when I was reconstructed.  It’s all about grief and loss and acceptance, and I get to travel this path every time the doctors do something new.  So here’s what I think.  I think that somehow I came ROARING into the bargaining stage last week.  Because I got a second opinion and then tried to bargain with my plastic surgeon.  I’m still TRYING to get someone to promise me my old breasts but IT IS NOT WORKING! 

So there’s the honest answer about where I am with my breasts right now.  Still hoping they can make them look and feel better, but trying to accept what may never be.

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Released

I’m going to be released from the hospital today.  Sometime this afternoon.  My doctor is very pleased with what he sees and how I’m moving around.  Once again….I am a model patient….(now if only I could have been a model student)….lol!  Really.  I am quite certain the prayers I receive are a big part of my ability to recover so well.  I just don’t know how it could happen otherwise! 

On Friday I thought “Oh God….what have I done.”  Seriously.  I don’t often pray prayers like that but that was what was going through my head.  The pain was incredible, the itching was incredible and when they made me stand up I felt like a ton of bricks.  I could barely move my feet.  It’s amazing to me that 4 days later I am walking (but slowly) and able to get in and out of bed without excruciating pain. 

I’m not sure we’ll be able to get internet at our hotel…..and I’m not sure we want to pay the $10 a day to have it….lol!  So you may not hear from me again until I get back home…..which should be on Wednesday.   My doc wants me to stick around for two days nearby, just in case.

Thanks so much for all your prayers!

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Constant Reminders

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My oncologist told me that I can start looking into reconstruction.  I’m planning to travel to Northwestern in Chicago for the DIEP flap.

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